Archives For Humour

Once upon a time, a mother made her son a wristband. On it was written: WWJD. This, of course stood for: What Would Jesus Do?’ She instructed her son to look at the wristband before making decisions on how to live his Christian life.

A week later she was shocked to see that her son had become friends with prostitutes, was hanging out with ‘sinners’ – even buying people who were already drunk yet another round of beers!

Worse still, he had walked into their church the previous Sunday and tore down the book store, overturned the tables and threw the cash register through the window, he then made a whip and chased the pastor out of the building, declaring he was turning God’s house into a den of thieves.

Most shocking was what happened when his mother went to picket the local abortion clinic. To her embarrassment, her son was also there, but he was standing with the women who just had an abortion, and yelled at the protesters: “You who is without sin, throw the first stone!”

The mother was very distressed, but fortunately she found a solution to this terrible problem. She made another wristband, this time it read: WWAPD, this, she explained to her son, stood for: What Would A Pharisee Do? She took the old WWJD wristband and burned it.

Since her son has been wearing the new wristband, looking at it to help him make his decisions, he has become a dedicated tither, a public prayer warrior, an active condemner of ‘sinners’, a passionate defender of the Old Covenant law, and has a great reputation as a godly young man amongst other religious people.

Needless to say, the mother is very happy now. She only wishes Jesus would take notice and follow her son’s good example.

One day Barry the good Christian was riding his bike when he bumped into Jesus. It was quite a shock at first, but he was excited to hear that Jesus wanted to spend the day with him. What luck, to have God actually with him.

First thing he did when they arrived at his apartment was stand in front of Jesus for 25 minutes and sing love songs to him. This. Was. Awkward.

After worship Barry informed Jesus it was now time for them to have communion. Jesus smiled, stood up enthusiastically and asked where the wine was. This. Was. Awkward.

Barry informed Jesus very nicely that communion was actually done with grape juice, as this was the biblical way, and Barry always followed the Bible. Jesus seemed to roll his eyes, but Barry wasn’t sure. Jesus then asked what they planned on eating for fellowship. Barry produced two tiny pieces of a cracker.

When Jesus asked why they were drinking grape juice out of a shot glass and holding a tiny piece of cracker, Barry decided it was best to ignore Jesus for a moment while he enjoyed communion. For Barry, it was a great moment of connection. Meanwhile, Jesus was still asking where the wine was.

Next he sat Jesus down as he wanted to share a 3 point sermon with him about how to live a better Christian life. Jesus asked if they could have a simple conversation instead. Barry laughed, thinking Jesus was joking. After 10 minutes Jesus actually fell asleep. Barry falsely assumed he was simply in deep meditation about the anointed message, and so continued for another 30 minutes. At the end, he politely woke Jesus up.

After Barry was sure Jesus was awake and listening he became very serious as he began his altar call. He asked Jesus, very convincingly, if he wanted to accept himself into his heart. In fact, he kept on asking with increasing pressure until Jesus raised his hand, upon which he prayed for Jesus to receive his salvation. Barry was very proud of himself – just wait until his prayer group heard about this!

After Jesus got saved by Barry, he was given a form to fill out all his contact details. Once he got all his details, he strategically walked Jesus towards the door. It seemed that Jesus wanted to hang out for longer, but why? They had already done everything important to the Christian fellowship experience.

Barry gave his best Christian smile, inviting Jesus back at the same time, same place the following week. Jesus, however, didn’t understand his nice Christian smile actually meant ‘It’s time for you to leave now’ and so he remained standing there, explaining that there was still plenty of time left in the day to hang out. This. Was. Awkward.

After Jesus finally got the hint and left, Barry sat on his couch, exhausted. 90 minutes with Jesus, he was convinced, was enough for one week.

Jesus goes to a wedding. His mother’s in charge of catering. Everyone is having a good time, a really good time actually.

So good, they’ve actually drunk the bar dry. There’s no more wine left! But everyone is having so much fun, and Mary doesn’t want to be the party-popper for not ordering enough alcohol.

Jesus is at the wedding.
He knows what is going on.
He knows everyone has been drinking – a lot.
He knows this, because his mother has come to him asking him to do fix the problem; they are all drunk, so much so they have polished over ever bottle of wine, and they haven’t even got to the speeches yet!

So, here’s the thing. Jesus knows the people are drunk, he’s well aware of this. He knows they’ve had too much to drink. So, what does he do?

This may shock you, it may make you very uncomfortable, but I’m just going to say it.

He filled up 6 stone water jars, each holding about 120 liters of water, and prepared to do a miracle. And a miracle he did do.

He turned the entire 720 liters of water into 720 liters of grape juice – and he told all those sinners to sober up!

Party’s over!

This story was officially approved by the What Would A Pharisee Do? Foundation.

Rita’s friend Sue was believing some very unbiblical ideas. Very unbiblical!

She was simply ignoring scripture to believe her own ideas instead. Well, this just was not acceptable!

Rita felt she had no choice but to publicly rebuke her, on facebook, of course.

It was for the benefit of Christians everywhere. This heresy simply had to be stopped!

If Christians didn’t believe the Bible, then what hope was there? Anyone who ignores the Bible deserves to be publicly ridiculed and called a heretic, it was the only biblical thing to do!

So, today she did it.

Facebook Heresy Post

One day Barry was reading his Bible when he came across this passage by the Apostle Paul:

For if someone comes to you and preaches a Jesus other than the Jesus we preached, or if you receive a different spirit from the one you received, or a different gospel from the one you accepted, you put up with it easily enough.
2 Corinthians 11:4

He thought to himself, with a great deal of pride, how he did believe in Jesus, the real Jesus.

How foolish those Corinthians were! he thought to himself.

Yes, Barry loves Jesus.

Jesus does everything Barry asks him to do.
Jesus understands that Barry is the boss.
Jesus agrees with everything Barry believes.
Jesus would never challenge Barry’s theology.
Jesus makes a great burrito.

Barry spends a lot of time with Jesus. He is especially proud that Jesus works for him in his Taco Bell franchise.

Barry loves Jesus. He really does. He says it proudly by putting it on his bumper sticker. Yes, without doubt he loves Jesus… he just wishes Jesus could speak better English.

Years later…

One day Barry died of old age and was beamed up to heaven. As he stood before Jesus the Messiah, he was absolutely bewildered that he looked nothing like he remembered.

He began to complain:

“Where is Jesus? I want my Jesus! I thought I would meet Jesus here. What’s going on? I spent my whole life loving Jesus – where is my Jesus?”

At this point, Saint Peter leaned over and whispered into Barry’s ear:

“I hate to be the one to have to tell you this, but you spent your whole life loving Jesus, the kitchen-hand from Mexico.”

Strange how easy it is to make a passing remark about someone, whether it be a personality trait or a perceived weakness in their character, only to be oblivious to…(keep reading)

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When we remain in a mixed understanding of God, meshed together with law and grace, we also live with a split idea of God. This baby is the perfect illustration of what that probably looks like to God.

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The Old Lady In Church (Joke)

February 24, 2012 — 7 Comments

An old lady, almost completely deaf, sat quietly in the same seat in the same church for 50 years, week in, week out. Nothing changed. Same kind of songs, same kind of offerings, same kind of…

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